“Results of Pitch Exercise #1 – Which Pitches Did 12 Responders Accept?” by Joan Y. Edwards
If you haven’t done Pitch Exercise #1, yet please do it now: http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/73SLT8B. Then come back and compare how you did with others who answered the survey questions.
A special thanks to the twelve people who pretended they were editors or agents and completed the online survey for Pitch Exercise #1. It is open for others to respond. This was the first of the learning materials for Pitch Corner USA. The pitches from published works were from the descriptions on Amazon. The two unpublished ones were from me.
Here are the survey questions, the responses from the people who responded to the survey, the comments, and the title of the book or movie and the author’s name. Decide for yourself if the pitches were effective or not. Which pitches did they accept?
Which pitches did they reject? Do you agree or disagree? How would you change them to make them better? How would you change your own pitch to make sure it doesn’t have the same pitfalls as the ones they rejected?
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| Pitch #1. When sweet Northern college boy and his buddy are picked up and thrown into the slammer in a hick Alabama town. At first it looks like no big deal. Then they are informed that they are accused of murder. (39 words) | Response Count | |
| 1. Reject it. | 7 | |
| 2. This pitch is missing main character. | 1 | |
| 3. This pitch doesn’t tell what main character wants or needs. | 2 | |
| 4. This pitch doesn’t tell why main character can’t get what he wants or needs. | 2 | |
| 5. This pitch is missing emotional hook. | 4 | |
| 6. This pitch is missing conflict. | 1 | |
| 7. This pitch is missing change in character. | 2 | |
| 8. This pitch is missing universal theme. | 0 | |
| 9. Ask for first 3 chapters and a summary. Why? (Put answer in box below) | 2 | |
| 10. This is a pitch from an already published book or movie. (Put title in box below) | 3 | |
| a. My Cousin Vinny b. My Cousin Vinny c.Has potential but ungrammatical pitch leaves editor guessing at content–sounds like a movie? Too much guesswork involved to be interested. Bit like was it Sundance Kid? d. My Cousin Vinny e. Bad grammar in first sentence — missing the main clause. No, no, no. If they can’t even proofread, or their grammar is that bad, it’s out. |
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| Pitch #1 was My Cousin Vinny movie script by Dale Launer. | ||
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| Pitch #2. A college grad lands a job as a financial journalist in New York City to support her shopping addiction and falls for a wealthy entrepreneur. (25 words) |
Response Count | |
| 1. Reject it. | 6 | |
| 2. This pitch is missing main character. | 0 | |
| 3. This pitch doesn’t tell what main character wants or needs. | 2 | |
| 4. This pitch doesn’t tell why main character can’t get what he wants or needs. | 2 | |
| 5. This pitch is missing emotional hook. | 3 | |
| 6. This pitch is missing conflict. | 7 | |
| 7. This pitch is missing change in character. | 3 | |
| 8. This pitch is missing universal theme. | 0 | |
| 9. Ask for first 3 chapters and a summary. Why? (Put answer in box below) | 2 | |
| 10. This is a pitch from an already published book or movie. (Put title in box below) | 2 | |
| a. One of the shopaholic series? b. In spite of the missing information (and my niggling feeling this is a book/movie), I’d ask for the first three chapters and summary. It has, IMO, potential to be a lighthearted romp. |
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| Pitch #2 is Confessions of a Shopaholic by Sophie Kinsela. It was both a book and a movie. | ||
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| Pitch #3. A Hollywood stuntman who moonlights as a getaway driver for thieves finds that a price has been put on his head after a failed robbery. (25 words) | Response Count | |
| 1. Reject it. | 3 | |
| 2. This pitch is missing main character. | 0 | |
| 3. This pitch doesn’t tell what main character wants or needs. | 3 | |
| 4. This pitch doesn’t tell why main character can’t get what he wants or needs. | 3 | |
| 5. This pitch is missing emotional hook. | 2 | |
| 6. This pitch is missing conflict. | 0 | |
| 7. This pitch is missing change in character. | 3 | |
| 8. This pitch is missing universal theme. | 1 | |
| 9. Ask for first 3 chapters and a summary. Why? (Put answer in box below) | 6 | |
| 10. This is a pitch from an already published book or movie. (Put title in box below) | 3 | |
| a. I think this is a movie but I can’t remember the name of it. b. Initial reaction–so what? Too much missing from pitch but has potential. c. Pretty sure this one’s been written. Of course, I have no idea of the title. |
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| Pitch #3 is Drive by James Sallis. | ||
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| Pitch #4 Twelve-year-old Artemis Fowl is a millionaire, a genius—and, above all, a criminal mastermind. But even Artemis doesn’t know what he’s taken on when he kidnaps a fairy, Captain Holly Short of the LEPrecon Unit. These aren’t the fairies of bedtime stories; these fairies are armed and dangerous. Artemis thinks he has them right where he wants them…but then they stop playing by the rules. (65 words) | Response Count | |
| 1. Reject it. | 2 | |
| 2. This pitch is missing main character. | 0 | |
| 3. This pitch doesn’t tell what main character wants or needs. | 0 | |
| 4. This pitch doesn’t tell why main character can’t get what he wants or needs. | 0 | |
| 5. This pitch is missing emotional hook. | 2 | |
| 6. This pitch is missing conflict. | 0 | |
| 7. This pitch is missing change in character. | 2 | |
| 8. This pitch is missing universal theme. | 1 | |
| 9. Ask for first 3 chapters and a summary. Why? (Put answer in box below) | 4 | |
| 10. This is a pitch from an already published book or movie. (Put title in box below) | 8 | |
| a. Artemis Fowl b. Artemis Fowlseries c. Artemis Fowl–haven’t read it but will now. Great pitch –has everything. d. Artemis Fowl, I believe. MG novel series. e. Not sure– but Artemis is well known to my grandchildren. f. Artemis Fowl series |
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| Pitch #4 is for Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer. | ||
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| Pitch #5. Porky hated racing, but entered a race to help save Farmer Dan’s farm. He didn’t realize that all contestants had to take a bath. Can a bubble bath entice him to follow through to save the farm or will all the animals be sold? (44 words) | Response Count | |
| 1. Reject it. | 2 | |
| 2. This pitch is missing main character. | 0 | |
| 3. This pitch doesn’t tell what main character wants or needs. | 1 | |
| 4. This pitch doesn’t tell why main character can’t get what he wants or needs. | 0 | |
| 5. This pitch is missing emotional hook. | 1 | |
| 6. This pitch is missing conflict. | 1 | |
| 7. This pitch is missing change in character. | 1 | |
| 8. This pitch is missing universal theme. | 1 | |
| 9. Ask for first 3 chapters and a summary. Why? (Put answer in box below) | 6 | |
| 10. This is a pitch from an already published book or movie. (Put title in box below) | 4 | |
| a. Could be better worded–disconnected second sentence– but appeal is there. b. Don’t know exact book but it sounds a little bit like Charlotte’s Web. c. See above. The pitch is decently written and the plot sounds interesting. d. An unattractive theme. e. Porky Pig |
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| Pitch #5 is from The Pig That Won the Race by Joan Y. Edwards. The manuscript is incomplete. | ||
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| Pitch #6. Meet Nancy, who believes that more is ALWAYS better when it comes to being fancy. From the top of her tiara down to her sparkly studded shoes, Nancy is determined to teach her family a thing or two about being fancy. How Nancy transforms her parents and little sister for one enchanted evening makes for a story that is funny and warm — with or without the frills. (67 words) | Response Count | |
| 1. Reject it. | 4 | |
| 2. This pitch is missing main character. | 0 | |
| 3. This pitch doesn’t tell what main character wants or needs. | 0 | |
| 4. This pitch doesn’t tell why main character can’t get what he wants or needs. | 1 | |
| 5. This pitch is missing emotional hook. | 2 | |
| 6. This pitch is missing conflict. | 2 | |
| 7. This pitch is missing change in character. | 1 | |
| 8. This pitch is missing universal theme. | 2 | |
| 9. Ask for first 3 chapters and a summary. Why? (Put answer in box below) | 3 | |
| 10. This is a pitch from an already published book or movie. (Put title in box below) | 2 | |
| a. Fancy Nancy b. cute– c. Nope. Badly written — author uses ‘fancy’ twice in two sentences. No, no, no. If the author can’t even be bothered to find another word for ‘fancy’ here, I don’t want to read the book. |
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| Pitch #6 is from Fancy Nancy by Jane O’Connor | ||
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| Pitch #7. Welcome to Trenton, New Jersey, home to wiseguys, average Joes, and Stephanie Plum, who sports a big attitude and even bigger money problems (since losing her job as a lingerie buyer for a department store). Stephanie needs cash—fast—but times are tough, and soon she’s forced to turn to the last resort of the truly desperate: family. (58 words) | Response Count | |
| 1. Reject it. | 1 | |
| 2. This pitch is missing main character. | 0 | |
| 3. This pitch doesn’t tell what main character wants or needs. | 0 | |
| 4. This pitch doesn’t tell why main character can’t get what he wants or needs. | 0 | |
| 5. This pitch is missing emotional hook. | 3 | |
| 6. This pitch is missing conflict. | 0 | |
| 7. This pitch is missing change in character. | 0 | |
| 8. This pitch is missing universal theme. | 0 | |
| 9. Ask for first 3 chapters and a summary. Why? (Put answer in box below) | 7 | |
| 10. This is a pitch from an already published book or movie. (Put title in box below) | 5 | |
| a. Stephanie Plum is the delightful hero of a mystery series written by Janet Evanovich. b. Expect this is one of the Stephanie Plum series–gives taste of fast talking humorous style–enticing. I’m buying. c. It’s the first Janet Evanovitch Stephanie Plum mystery, I believe. One for the Money |
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| Pitch #7 is from One for the Money by Janet Evanovich. | ||
| Pitch #9. Unhappily married and uncomfortable with life among the British upper crust, Julia Sturges takes her two children and boards the Titanic for America. Her husband Richard also arranges passage on the doomed luxury liner in order to let him have custody of their two children. Their problems soon seem minor when the ship hits an iceberg. (56 words) | Response Count | |
| 1. Reject it. | 5 | |
| 2. This pitch is missing main character. | 0 | |
| 3. This pitch doesn’t tell what main character wants or needs. | 0 | |
| 4. This pitch doesn’t tell why main character can’t get what he wants or needs. | 1 | |
| 5. This pitch is missing emotional hook. | 0 | |
| 6. This pitch is missing conflict. | 0 | |
| 7. This pitch is missing change in character. | 2 | |
| 8. This pitch is missing universal theme. | 0 | |
| 9. Ask for first 3 chapters and a summary. Why? (Put answer in box below) | 5 | |
| 10. This is a pitch from an already published book or movie. (Put title in box below) | 5 | |
| a. Possibly The Titanic. b. Has potential for conflict and big theme. Titanic itself has appeal–Titanic the movie? Were they in that? c. All Titanic movies d. “Titanic,” the movie, but nonetheless, I’d reject it. Badly written. Should be “Her husband, Richard,” and that sentence reads awkwardly to boot. e. Even though I’m tired of ‘Titanic’ stories…. f. Titanic |
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| Pitch #9 is from the Titanic movie from 1954 written by Charles Brackett, Richard L. Breen, and Walter Reisch. | ||
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Please answer the following questions in the comments area or send me an email to joanyedwards1@gmail.com.
1. How could I improve the exercise?
2. What did you learn from doing this exercise?
3. Did Pitch Exercise #1 help you decide a better way to write your pitch?
4. If you’d like to do a one hour chat session to study 3 pitches, what day of the week and time would be good for you?
5. Were the shorter ones better? Why?
6. Please let me know the titles and authors of your favorite romance novels.
Thank you very much for reading my blog. You light up my life.
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Never Give Up
Joan Y. Edwards,
Copyright © 2012 Joan Y. Edwards