“Mindreading 101: Perceptions, Guesses, and Assessing Blame” by Joan Y. Edwards
Have you graduated from life’s course: Mindreading 101?
- Am I jumping to conclusions without facts?
- Who or what am I blaming for this situation?
- What perceptions do I have? Are the accurate? Am I guessing or looking at the facts?
- Am I looking for facts and solutions?
Life is complicated. Your body, mind, and spirit have intricate parts that influence healthy living, a healthy self-image.Have you noticed when you are afraid to ask questions of those you love? Or to ask a question when you are at the doctor’s office or a lawyer’s office or your parents.
When accompanying someone in the doctor’s office, let the patient ask questions and tell things as long as he/she is able.
When dementia set in for Mother, and I had to be the one asking questions on her behalf. It seemed like so many questions were bubbling around inside me, but I wasn’t able to get them to come up and out of my mouth.
I would get home and say, “I didn’t ask the questions.” Next time, I wrote down the questions that came to mind. I even called and asked the doctor on the phone, or email through an online portal.
Somewhere from my past, there was this little voice telling me:
“Don’t ask questions. Children are to be seen and not heard.”
However, I wasn’t a child any more. Yet many moons later those rules still had an impact on me. I needed a pep talk. I needed to say, “It is okay to ask questions. It is okay to ask questions of professional people. It is okay to ask questions of your family and friends. It is okay to ask questions of strangers. Questions are good. The answers to your questions are helpful. You have to give these people the right not to answer. But, most people will.
Have you ever been afraid to answer questions someone asks you? Did you feel put on the spot? Pressured to give a certain answer.
Or have you been afraid to tell someone something. You may not know why. You may be fearful of their response.
Sometimes you may go to what I call, MINDREADING 101.
In your mind, you say, “They are doing this BECAUSE…” and you fill in the most negative reason. The one you fear the most. The one perhaps that you felt as a child. It hurt then and it hurts even more now.
Or they will do thus and so on, so you don’t tell them.
But what?
The people today are not the people from your past. They are different people. Things may be better If you and I give them a chance. Let them speak for themselves.
ASK QUESTIONS instead of doing MINDREADING 101.
Ask them.
“What was your intention?”
“Why did you do this?”
“Why did you say this?”
In all actuality, It makes good sense to be curious. To take a risk and ask questions. Asking questions gives others an option to respond with their reasons for doing things. It leads both you and the person you are speaking with a chance clear up misconceptions and to be at peace. Peace is a priceless state of being.
Sometimes when you are afraid to learn what others true feelings and true reasons are, you may hide behind the mask of your prior experience. You might be afraid that if you ask questions, the answers may make the situation worse.
What I have discovered is that when I ask clarifying questions, I may discover information that may release a few of my strongest negative emotions, dislodge a few of my fears, give me facts, and give me a chance to explain my own personal feelings and reasons for feeling that way. It may lead me to peace. Doing these same things may also lead you to peace. I hope and pray that this happens for each of us.
Questions and Possibilities
You may misinterpret so many things because of your humanity. It takes a while to figure it out and let others say or do what they want. When we realize that we are good, not evil, then we win.
So give other people a chance to answer questions, to explain their point of view. Ask yourself questions, too. Have compassion for yourself and others.
Love yourself. Believe in yourself. Ask questions. Find answers. Be at peace.
God is there to help you.
Excellent advice. It’s so easy to come down on yourself. I’ve done it at least once in the past couple of days, alone.
Dear Melanie,
Thank you very much for writing. You are right. It is so easy to come down on yourself. That inner critic is powerful. It feels so good when we figure out that it is not true. It is healing for me. I appreciate you being not only a loyal subscriber but an awesome friend to rely on and share our journeys.
Never Give Up
Joan
Joan, I found that being an advocate for Scotty when he was sick helped me to speak up more than I probably would have done for myself.
I know we misinterpret things at times that people do or say because we don’t ask questions; so you made many very valid points.
There are times when I don’t ask a person what they mean by their comment because I’m not really prepared to go there, if that makes any sense.
Oh, we are all human aren’t we? Lol
Dear Linda,
Thank you for writing. I admire the strength and wisdom you used in caring for Scotty. Perhaps you are right. Perhaps it is easier to speak up for someone else than it is for yourself. When I tell people to do something good for themselves, they sometimes do not think they are worthy. I understand what you are saying, that sometimes we don’t ask someone what they mean because we are not prepared for what their answer may be. Being human is tricky at times. And I am so thankful that you and I are able to talk about things to help each other come to peace when we are struggling with something. Thank you for being a loyal subscriber and my friend.
Never Give Up
Joan
I think our world would be a better place if we clarified communication rather than jump to conclusions–myself included! BTW, this is the stuff for good fiction!! Thanks, Joan.
Dear Carol,
Thank you for writing. I agree that it would be a better world if we took time to ask questions that might clear up any misconceptions we might have or the other person might have. We do the best we can with what we know, our experiences, and the courage we have plus our faith in God, ourselves, and each other. Tricky at times but always worth discovering the truth in a situation. Thank you for being a loyal subscriber and a good friend.
Never Give Up
Joan
Joan, excellent. This is standard psychology. I wrote a short story about mindreading for my book, “From Depression to Contentment.” You and your visitors may enjoy it:
https://bobrich18.wordpress.com/2018/03/16/coffee-storm/
Dear Bob,
Thanks for writing and sharing the link to your article. Thanks for being a loyal subscriber and for sharing your knowledge with me and others on your life’s path.
Never Give Up
Joan
Your essay arrived at a inner-crisis point, and has helped me immensely. I would like to question people after they make a snarky remark toward me, but I fear it could escalate into an argument, or put them on the defensive.
You’re right, we’re human, everyone can say the wrong thing sometimes. Thanks, Joan!
Dear Joan B. Reid,
Thank you for writing. I am glad that my essay came and helped you at an inner crisis moment. I know how painful those inner crisis moments are. I am like you, I am sometimes afraid to ask questions. I am praying that you are able to come to peace about this particular moment. You are good. May God empower you to see things in a loving manner to yourself and others.
With love,
Never Give Up
Joan
it’s like the inner – personal experiences of life and the inter – personal ones. But i like your ideas and insights. Negative thoughts sprout negative thoughts. And while clarity doesnt always conform to our desires, it does provide a more solid base,
and helps.
Thanks for your words and thoughts.
Dear Bill,
Thank you for writing. The interpersonal and inner personal experiences of life give us many messages. You are right. Negative feeding negative sprouts more negative. Yikes! It is difficult at times to ask questions to clear up misconceptions but it does empower us to be working with facts rather than our guesses. You are welcome for my writing. I am glad you liked my ideas and insights. I hope my words lead you to answers that work for you when you need them.
Never Give Up
Joan