According to SNOPES.COM The following humorous analogies and metaphors came from the Washington Post’s Style Invitational from 1995 and 1999. On the internet they are often credited as collections from actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Snopes says this is not true. Wherever they came from, they brought so much laughter to David Greenberg at the Oregon Coast Children’s Book Writers Workshop this year that he could hardly read them. That’s when the laughter got so contagious, the whole room laughed with him. I hope these descriptions bring you much laughter.
I. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse
without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a
formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
II. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. Instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. At a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land
mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
I hope you are laughing so hard, you feel rejuvenated all over!
Thanks for reading.
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Giveaway complete in 2010.
Copyright 2010 Joan Y. Edwards. All rights reserved.
It’s amazing how a painting can fill you with awe. When I see the works of great artists like Michelangelo, Rembrandt, Monet, my heart fills with wonder. How did they do it?
Painting a picture can fill you with calm. I think it’s just handling the paint. Perhaps realizing that you are making an impression on the world. Children make marks in different places. They learn that they can leave a lasting mark.
Of course, you can throw your painting away. It depends upon the reason for your painting.
Is it to cheer you up? To relax and calm? To just see if you can do it?
There are different mediums you can use: Crayons, colored pencils, tempera paint, acrylic paint, oil paint, magic markers, and chalk. They also have computer programs that you can use to draw and paint.
You can create things with paper, wood, clay, plastic, metal, nylon, polyester, cotton, wool, cloth, sand, wax, and different parts of plants.
You can sew, embroider, cross-stitch, quilt, knit, and crochet.
You can cook, bake, broil, fry, toast, and boil. This creating something that wasn’t there before, will help you feel like you’re doing something needed.
You can draw free hand, or you can use templates to trace. For circles, you can trace around jar lids.
Make paper airplanes or fold paper in intriguing designs…origami books can teach you more.
Creating something even if it’s a drawing of a smiley face, will bring satisfaction in a lot of areas. Arts and crafts stores and hardware stores have programs where they teach children and adults to make things. Community Colleges have courses that teach different arts and crafts. They have places where you can learn to make pottery. They also have places where you can paint pieces of pottery that have already been made.
You can paint furniture, rooms, and other things.
My granddaughters and I love to paint pottery. It’s interesting to see how they turn out. The glaze colors are very different before firing in the kiln and afterwards.
At restaurants they have pictures to color and other activities – they realize that coloring can have a calming influence on people. I’ve even asked for a coloring sheet and crayons when the coloring sheets are to my liking.
If you’re stressed, get out a piece of paper and doodle, draw, or color. It may help you feel better.
Here are 5 steps to help you:
1. Decide what you’ll do.
2. Get the most inexpensive items to do it – use what you have on hand now.
3. Spend 15 minutes on it…chances are you’ll like it so much you keep doing it longer.
4. Sing while you’re doing it – twice as much healing and fun.
5. Post your art creation on the refrigerator or on the dining room table. Take a picture of it.
I hope this has helped you see a fun way to relax and be inspired to keep on going.
Singing songs can cheer you. Songs can change your mood. More than likely the songs you hear have the sounds that heal you.
My sister, Judith, (God bless her soul) studied with Native Americans who believe that each of us has a sound that when we hear it, it heals us spiritually, physically, and emotionally.
When you were a baby, perhaps your Mother and/or Father sang lullabies to help you relax and go to sleep.
When you were just learning to walk, you heard certain sounds that made you want to dance.
When you were a teenager some music made you feel in love or swoon over the person who sang it. You imagined they were singing that particular song just for you.
If you were married, you chose songs to be played at your wedding. Chances are you didn’t choose Wagner’s Operatic music for your wedding.
If you’re feeling bad and sad and want to linger this mood and feel sorry for yourself, there are songs that will also help prolong that mood.
A song I have sung from the time I was five years old that gives me life is Flip Flap Floodle. Each time I tell the story and sing the song, I feel invigorated. I feel like I can keep on going. It’s a catchy tune. It has the same effect on the children and adults who hear it.
Flip Flap Floodle‘s Song. You keep singing it over and over again. It’s fun. It’s healing. I tried for many years to get the story published. I self-published it in 2004. It gave me a great deal of joy to accomplish this. You can buy it or only $10.00 on Amazon.com: Flip Flap Floodle.
Beginning in 1985, I cared for my Mother, Ethel D. Meyer for 14 years. During that time I noticed the power that music played in her moods and emotions. From my bedroom one day in 2000, I heard her shout, “WHOO EEE! WHOO EEE!”
I wondered what was going on that had her so excited. It must be good. I went to her room to see why she was so happy. When I entered her room she was sitting up watching television. I looked on the television screen and I saw a man singing. It was one of those programs where they earn money for Public Television stations. Across the bottom of the screen, it flashed his name: Daniel O’Donnell. He was from Ireland. Mother was mesmerized by him. You can see why by listening to him sing “You Raise Me Up.”
Mother looked at me and said, “He shakes my corpuscles.” She used to say Daddy shook her corpuscles. He died in 1978.
I thought if this man, Daniel O’Donnell brings her so much joy, I’ll buy a video tape so she can watch him whenever she wants. They were asking $100.00 for a video. I found his videos cheaper on the internet. I believe this was the end of November 2000. I purchased one for Christmas and the next one would come for Mother’s birthday in January. I also paid for Mother to join the Daniel O’Donnell.
When Mother got the video at Christmas, she held it close to her heart and said, “MY MAN.”
Sometimes she would go around singing, “Meet me in St. Louis, Louie. Meet me at the Fair.” So I found videos of many great musicals that may have been popular when she younger. She loved watching them. She didn’t mind seeing them over and over again.
When Mother’s left hip broke and she fell earlier that year, I sang songs from my childhood and hymns that I liked. I was so frightened. The songs I sang had to be ones I knew the words to, or the melody to sing or hum. Singing these songs gave me strength to know that I’d be able to make it. They also seemed to calm Mother down. Her facial expression showed it calmed her to sing along with me or just to listen.
When Mother was in the hospital in 2009 before she died, I started singing these songs and hymns again. My sister, Janet and I sang her favorite songs and ours over and over again. Although it was her time to go have her special meeting with God in heaven, it still brought peace to her body and mind. She wasn’t able to sing this time, but you could tell by her body language that it relaxed her.
Mother died on March 18, 2009. She was 92 years young. She taught me so much about a positive attitude and about how music healed her and gave her life.
My husband, Carl, loves the music of the fifties. He can be down and out. If he hears music from the 50’s, he’s immediately upbeat and ready to face the world.
At the memorial service, funeral mass and graveside service for my Mother, we sang these hymns, folks songs, Daniel O’Donnell songs to celebrate her life.
I discovered that music was the way for healing for my Mother, my sister, my husband, my family and friends, and me, I thought I would share this information with you, in hopes that it will help you love living.
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Since you have such a busy schedule this month, below are some emergency numbers you might need in the upcoming days. Keep this list posted where you can access it if necessary!
EMERGENCY PHONE NUMBERS: (Author Unknown)
When in sorrow….. Call John 14
When men fail you….. Call Psalm 27
When you have sinned….. Call Psalm 51
When you worry….. Call Matthew 6:19-34
When you are in danger….. Call Psalm 91
When God seems far away….. Call Psalm 139
When your faith needs stirring….. Call Hebrews 11
When you are lonely and fearful….. Call Psalm 23
When you grow bitter and critical….. Call I Corinthians 13
For Paul’s secret to happiness…… call Colossians 3:12-17
When you feel down and out….. Call Romans 8:31
When you want peace and rest….. Call Matthew 11:25-30
When the world seems bigger than God….. Call Psalm 90
When you want Christian assurance….. Call Romans 8:1-30
When you leave home for labor or travel….. Call Psalm 121
When your prayers grow narrow or selfish….. Call Psalm 67
When you want courage for a task….. Call Joshua 1
For how to get along with fellow men…..Call Romans 12
When you think of investments and returns….. Call Mark 10
If you are depressed….. Call Psalm 27
If your wallet is empty….. Call Psalm 37
If you are losing confidence in people…..Call I Corinthians 13
If people seem unkind….. Call John 15
If discouraged about your work…..Call Psalm 126
The “Good Book” has the answer to all our problems, if we take the time to look. Are you really familiar with its contents? If not, perhaps this telephone directory will be of great assistance. It’s worthy a try! What are you going to lose? A little time?
ALTERNATE NUMBERS I found in other sources:
If self pride/greatness takes hold.. Call Psalm 19
If you want to be fruitful.. Call John 15
For understanding of Christianity.. Call II Corinthians 5:15-19
For a great invention/opportunity.. Call Isaiah 55
For dealing with fear.. Call Psalm 347
For security.. Call Psalm 121:3
For assurance.. Call Mark 8:35
For reassurance.. Call Psalm 145:18
Emergency numbers may be dialed direct. No operator assistance is necessary. All lines to Heaven are open 24 hours a day!
Feed your FAITH, and DOUBT will starve to death! Pass it on and on!
If you’re feeling down, do something good for others. I don’t know who wrote this originally, but it was sent to my Mother, Ethel D. Meyer in a bulletin in 2000 from Armenia Christian Church in Kinston, N.C. The men and women of this church sent Mother the bulletins every month from 1995 until she died last year…for 14 years. They also sent her “Get Well” cards and “Thinking of You” cards every month, too. One year they sent Mother a big, beautiful poinsettia for Christmas. This was the church that Mother went to when she lived in Kinston. All the cards and notes were sent while she was living with me…226 miles. If you’d like to learn more about Armenia Christian Church and their wonderful ministries you can contact them at
Armenia Christian Church
1817 US HIGHWAY 70 EAST
Kinston, NC 28501 US
Start now. Today is a great day to learn something new. Something new could help you reach one of your goals. Something new could give you a new prospective on an old problem. Learning something new could help you face the future.
When you get overwhelmed by sickness or other crisis situations, you have to take time out to do something fun for you. Something relaxing, yes, but definitely something that makes you laugh.
You may want to stop and pray. Take time to do something for yourself. Praying is a great activity to ground you and calm you from the top of your head to the tip of your toes. Then you can focus again on your goal.
Is your goal serving the Lord? Or is it a personal goal that you believe God wants you to accomplish?
When I started caring for my Mother, at first I said to myself, “Oh no. I’ll never be able to get my book published now.” Then I read an article where a lady said she had started taking care of her Mother and was still able to achieve her goal. So I thought God would allow me to reach my goal of getting “Flip Flap Floodle” published and take care of my Mother, too. And I did just that. In 2004 I self-published it. God helped me accomplish my dream.
I learned that sugar free candy is not carbohydrate free. If 3 pieces of sugar free candy is 15 grams of carbohydrates, it is scary to think about how many carbs a regular piece of candy is.
I learned that all of us need to monitor our carbohydrate intake, especially those with more than 10 grams of sugar per serving.
I remember that when I was little, we only had desserts on Sundays or when company came. I learned that having fruit can be a dessert or having a glass of milk can be a dessert.
I wish that more products were made with less sugar than with the artificial sweeteners that may be inducing more harm than good to the dieting public or diabetics.
What did you learn today? Please share it with me.
May God bless you and fill you with hope!
May this month and those that follow bring you good health!
GOD WILL SHOW YOU HOW! Written by Mary L. Kupferle
Whatever you need to know or understand or do in this moment, dear friend, God will show you how. God will show you how to have more faith, patience, courage, wisdom, and strength. God will show you how to pray more effectively for yourself and for those you love. God will show you how to have greater control over your thoughts, words, emotions, and life.
Is there something you seek to accomplish that demands greater wisdom, than you feel you possess? God will show you how to handle any difficulty, surmount any challenge, and find any answers or solutions you have felt were beyond your grasp. Accept reassurance right now by declaring in faith, “God is showing me how!”
You need not listen for your Creator to shout divine directions in a commanding voice or blow a trumpet’s blast to catch your attention. Divine guidance most often comes in gentle movements as a still small voice within your mind, as a gentle nudge within your heart. Divine guidance may at times seem inconspicuous amid the noisy clamor of demanding situations confronting you, yet God will make His presence known. God will get a message through to you. God will show you how to listen, how to understand, and how to find your way.
Affirm repeatedly, God is showing me how. Build and rebuild this idea strongly within your thinking. Take it with you into the busiest day and follow-as obediently as you can – the smallest inner leading, the quietest inner bidding of love and wisdom. Especially when you least understand yourself, your moods, your reactions, or what is happening in your life, make a habit of telling yourself, “God is showing me how! Thank You, God, for showing me how!”
Your Father’s love for you, His offspring, is greater than any happening that has caused you to believe yourself not cared for or unworthy of His attention, guidance, and encouragement. Stand firmly upon the foundation saying, “God is showing me how!”
In the face of any persistent anxiety, rebellion, fear, disbelief, or unhappiness decree insistently, “God is showing me how!” With each declaration of this affirmative thought, you will find your confidence increasing. Learning, moment by moment, to listen within for the Father’s direction, you will hear more and more clearly the assurance for which you have longed.
A friend, past retirement age and in need of employment, shared recently how God had shown her how to receive the help she urgently needed. Holding fast to the faith that God’s love would guide her, she was led through a series of events to “a wonderful job, just what I wanted and more. Besides having all expenses paid, I receive a good salary every week. Only God could have worked things out so perfectly!”
Another friend said that God had shown him how to meet the disappointment over a delay in travel plans – a trip that he and his wife had looked forward to for over two years-and an unexpected financial loss. He wrote:
“From this experience came a firm commitment to: let go and let God and to know that God’s plans for us are even better than we can humanly picture. As a result, my wife and I were shown how to handle every detail with wisdom. The financial loss was recovered, and exciting new travel plans were set. We know God will be with us every moment, assuring a delightful experience!”
God is always showing you how to find the good in any challenge of life. He will continually show you how to grasp the best thoughts to think, the right prayer to pray, the most helpful attitude to assume, and the wisest oath to travel. The loving Father does not expect you to go through any experience of life without His help and support. He wants you to know that you did not come into this life alone, and to remember that you do not go through it alone. God is always with you, helping you surmount every challenge.
Jesus Christ gave to His followers clear and specific examples of the unlimited ways in which divine help comes. These examples, which are recorded in the Bible, are given to you, also. Today, He urges you to rely upon Him as a “good shepherd,” always at hand to protect and comfort His flock. He asks you to think of Him as a “door” that is always open to anyone willing to walk through into His ever-enfolding love. He is saying, in effect, “The Father and I will show you, always, how to find, accept, and experience every good you seek!”
By His own personal life example, His works and teachings, Jesus Christ continually shows you how to think as a child of God can think, how to live as a beloved child of God can live. He is reassuring you that the Father will show you how to do wisely and well anything required of you in this life. He is showing you, as the Father showed Him, how to move forward at the right time, how to quietly trust, how to constantly rely upon the Father’s love and direction.
If you feel critical of your ability to hear and understand God’s guidance, take heart, for some of the greatest leaders of all time felt the same. Moses questioned how he, feeling so incapable, could lead the Israelites to freedom. Yet, as he continued to pray, to listen, and to move forward, he found God was showing him how. Joshua doubted that he was wise enough to follow in Moses’ footsteps, yet he, too, was shown how, as he daily listened and did his consistent pest to “be strong and of good courage” (Deut. 31:6).
It is not always easy to persist in listening, in speaking positively, in praying with absolute conviction of your oneness with God when life’s challenges keep clamoring for attention. Pain is distracting, and so is anxiety about those you love. Because of such distractions, it is especially important to have a strong idea to affirm and reaffirm until your faith begins to speak louder than your misgivings. The words “God will show me how!” will serve this purpose and keep you centered, focused in the direction of healing, ready to receive your guidance, help, and other blessings.
If you find yourself becoming impatient because there seems to be no outward evidence of change, no indication of immediate improvement to your human eye, remember that every prayer is productive. Release all judgment regarding your efforts. Focus your attention upon knowing again and again. God is showing me how! You will find that whatever is best for your personal help and progress will be shown, and that good will result.
As an example of this, a friend wrote: “Things had finally come to a point of crisis; my life seemed to be totally out of control. I couldn’t eat, think, or pray, and finally decided to stop struggling. I didn’t try to meditate or pray about specifics. I just held onto the words ‘God is healing everything now.’ Miracles began coming through in less than twelve hours. It was as if everything quietly and peacefully fell into place! I am so very grateful to God for this astounding experience, for His showing me how to do my part so He could do His the better!”
Jesus Christ indicated clearly by His own words and actions that there were many different ways of communicating with the Father. Jesus often prayed by listening quietly within. As other times He spoke aloud, powerfully, the words that were needed to catch the attention of those who were held in a habit of disbelief. Again, He was often gentle and patient in helping His followers learn how to accept their healing, supply, or security. He was constantly showing how to communicate, express, and receive responses from the Father.
In using the idea God is showing me how! I have found that needs were met quickly. These words have brought a greater feeling of release regarding con¬cern over those dear to me, and have been a simple tool to use in any urgent need for guidance and courage.
“Thank you, God, for showing me how!” has also helped me to understand that so-called dry or unproductive periods are but forerunners of the greatest and best fulfillment. When I thought human hesitancy and feelings of inade¬quacy were hindering or delaying my good, I found the Father was in reality helping me during that time into greater strength, faith, and understanding. God is, indeed, always showing us how!
Remembering this will deepen and quicken your own faith, dear friend, and awaken you to a new awareness of your true oneness with the Father. It will help you to realize that you are a spiritual child of the Most High, with the same potentials as expressed by the One who proved that every “Gethsemane” is but a door to new life, to resurrection of the divinity within.
Take hold now, my friend, of this simple way of attuning yourself to your Father’s plan of good for you. Let His wisdom show you how to accept it. His love will enfold you in a manner you cannot humanly imagine. His peace will manifest itself within your heart without any need to understand how it can be so. God will reveal His processes of healing, even now, as you quietly turn to Him with the words, Thank You, Father, for showing me how!
The clouds will lift. Your feelings of aloneness will fade, and you will be warmed and comforted anew. Your fears of change and your apprehensions over demands, loss, or the future will give way to courage and assurance. You will find that nothing can prevent the Father from showing you how to accept your good.
Let go and let His love enfold you. Your Father cares for you and is showing you how!
This was written by Mary L. Kupferle
Titles of Books Written by Mary L. Kupferle
“God Will See You Through”
“God Never Fails”
“Your Help Is at Hand”
“Trust in the Goodness of God”
Thank you for reading my blog.
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